Brookwrite

Ask the Rabbit

By Doug Brook
Deep South Jewish Voice Columnist

In this issue, we have long planned to bring you the first of a periodic series of informative "Ask the Rabbi" columns.

At long last, we now would like to introduce you to a great modern thinker, a leading member of the Rabbinical Assembly and a world-renowned authority on Jewish law and custom.

Unfortunately, we can't. Our investigative mole couldn't handle one simple administrative task. Therefore, due to an unintended contractual obligation, we now present you with a slightly different feature, from a slightly different source.

Lettuce begin.

I've been asked to appear in this column periodically to respond to several questions of Jewish law and tradition that you, our readers, have dangled as carrots before us. From the many submissions I've received, I've chosen to answer that which bugs you the most.

So let's hop to it!

"In Jewish law, when is it permitted to sin?"

On the third Tuesday of each lunar month, between noon and three in your local time zone (for those counties in Indiana that ignore daylight savings time, it's between eleven and two).

But seriously, it is permitted to sin whenever a life depends on it. In fact, it's required. If you need to take medication on a fast day, you must do so. If you need to defend yourself against an aggressor, you may do so. If on the Sabbath you need to melt down your brother's Barry Manilow albums lest he play them at high volume after sundown, I'll help you do so.

There is another circumstance in which you may sin. Every year, on Yom Kippur we finish atoning for our sins, confessing to them, and asking to be written in the Book of Life for the next year.

Of course, it would seem that the Almighty is exempt from the prohibition against writing on a holy day. But that's not the point.

If you, like this space's columnist, have not sinned the entire year, you may indulge in a cheeseburger immediately before the fast. It gives you something to atone for.

"Is it possible to eat a bacon cheeseburger pizza on Passover, without violating the dietary laws regarding Passover?"

Of course it is.

There are a great many dietary laws involved in observing Passover. Conveniently, in recent years a couple different methods have been devised to replicate pizza in a manner acceptable on Passover.

First, there's the method of simply putting pizza sauce, cheese, and toppings on a piece of matzah. But there are also recipes for making an actual pizza crust out of matzah product which is not entirely thin, or chewable, and serves as a reasonable facsimile during the eight days commemorating the Leon Uris's exodus from Egypt.

While that's how pizza can be eaten on Passover, it doesn't answer the question of a bacon cheeseburger pizza on Passover.

This is simple. By the year-round standards of keeping kosher, having meat toppings on a cheese pizza is not kosher, not to mention having bacon at all. However, while eating that combination is a violation of the general rules of kosher, it does not violate any rules of keeping kosher specific to Passover itself.

"I think you're really cute, are you available?"

Thank you, you're very kind. Actually, I'm accounted for. The rabbitzen and I have a very happy hole, filled with the pitter patter of thirteen pairs of paws.

I should mention that the regular columnist insists that this question was for him, because you couldn't have known in advance I'd be writing instead. Of course, we know better.

"It used to be that Jews lived in close proximity to each other, but now they're often much more spread out. What observations do you have about this phenomenon?"

Often in European history, Jews would be forced to live alone amongst themselves in relative isolation from the rest of the community. Change from this is not so bad.

Also, don't forget, most Jews used to walk to synagogue so they all had to live nearby, or have exceptional health plans.

If Jews are more spread around, it makes more people aware that Jews exist, don't have horns, and are normal people just like them. Fewer people can say they've never met a Jew before, because more people live near one. People fear the unknown.

Of course, there are some risks inherent in Jews being so few and far between that we're thinned out and eventually disappear. Intermarriage, long-established synagogues close because people move to the suburbs... But that can be a downer. I don't do downers. (And, kids, neither should you.)

Besides, there are still plenty of large, localized Jewish communities around the world. In fact, my family and I live in one, right in the middle of the Holey Land.

"How do you feel every Passover about the tie-in you have to Easter?"

If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me how I lay those multicolored eggs... Then again, I'm not supposed to make any bread during Passover.

Honestly, I'd retire happy right now if we could actually lay those chocolate eggs. They're yum.

"What do you think about people who say they're too busy to go to services during the year?"

Too busy, my lucky foot.

And we need to change that expression. (No, the other one.) The High Holy Days are during the year, too. You mean "during the rest of the year."

If you ask me, the answer to poor attendance is simple. Why are High Holy Day services different from all others? Liturgy aside, what's different? The sermons. They're longer than the rest of the year, and the sanctuary is never more full than the High Holy Day sermons.

Therefore, to increase attendance at services throughout the year, give longer sermons.

Doug Brook is a dark-hared technical publications program manager in Silicon Valley. If you have questions you'd like the Rabbit to answer in this space, submit them to djbrook@sbcglobal.net. For more information, past columns, other writing, and other current events, visit his website at http://brookwrite.com/.